the world according to Chelsea.

I've been thinking a lot about my own personal dogma. I thought it was finally time to articulate my theory of living, be it as crass as it may seem. But, hey, to each her own. I don't expect you to be like me. I doubt your liver could handle it.

1. Do not marry someone unless you have had sex with them.

I don't even get this shit. It blows my mind that there are people in modern Western society who meet someone through church or some other socially-sanctioned "pure" avenue, go on three chaperoned dates with them, and then get engaged at Arby's. They then spend two months planning a wedding with sparkling grape juice and crepe paper streamers. We try on dresses before purchasing them, right? We won't purchase a car if we don't know how it drives. There ain't no marriage lemon law, and I don't like to hesitate. I'm a living exception to the rule that no one's going to buy the cow if they've been getting the milk for free since the second time they met.

2. Every day is worthy of a celebration.

Now I don't mean this in some "OMG life is so beautiful. I am SO blessed! Everything is perfect and I am so adorably awesome!" sort of way. What I'm saying is, why the hell not? Every day is a suitable day to drink a bottle of champagne or wear a party dress or dine at a fancy restaurant you can't really afford. Call it hedonism but I prefer to live my life and enjoy it while I'm still here. So pop the cork and pop it off.

3. Be a whole person.

I like dancing. I also like writing (though it's mostly blatherings about daily occurrences that irritate me or frothy poetic nonsense that I jot down and hide away). I also like arguing about politics, watching documentaries about cults of personality and home decorating. My point is that I don't look to one thing to fulfill me. I never grew up saying "I want more than anything in life to be a wife!" I am a wife, but more importantly, I'm a person. I seek fulfillment through my relationships with other people, but mostly I find that fulfillment in my relationship with myself.

4. Just get over yourself.

I've had the hardest problem with this lately. My envy has been eating me alive. Yes, of course I wish I didn't drive a shitbox from fourteen years ago/have acne AND wrinkles/work a 9 to 5/have lovehandles. And yes, I am pissed off at people who have things that are nicer than my own. However, if I didn't just get the fuck over myself, I would be obsessing about these things ALL THE TIME instead of writing hilarious blog posts for you to read. So actually, you should be thanking me for getting over myself so I can make the world a (warning: subjectivity ahead) better place.

5. Live and die by the Hitachi Magic Wand.

I'm not screwing around with this one. Really. REALLY.

Bow down, bitches, and give thanks to your saviour.

you all get older. I just get more stylish.

Some current observations on aging, marriage, spawning (gross) and being fantastic:

1. I don't get why we, as a culture, congratulate people for having babies, and, furthermore, praise the attractiveness of said babies, even when they're hideous.

I guess I should get used to this, as it's going to happen for the next 20 years or so, but it seems like everyone is getting knocked up. And they all expect congrats and GIFTS for doing so.

Call me callous, but I don't think that having a man ejaculate inside of you is something worthy of a prize. I'm forced to hearken back to Garfunkel & Oates' "Pregnant Women are Smug." I know women - my best friend Melanie among them - who have had kids, and adore them, but never acted like they were better than anyone else or more special for doing so.

I think the idea of a shower weirds me out, too. It's like being at a big Christmas morning except there are no mimosas, and you don't get shit but have to watch someone else open every pair of fucking socks they get and show them around, and everyone's supposed to feign interest when all they can think about is when they're going to GET OUT OF THERE and watch football. Oh wait, I forgot, I'm the only broad who likes football, and not just because it's impressive to dudes.

I know having a child makes you less selfish, a better person, you're a mutant if you don't want one, it's your responsibility as a woman to procreate and ensure the survival of the species, blah blah blah, but I really don't care about how much your one-month-old baby shits, or how sore your breasts are because you've been pumping them all night. You probably don't care about my obsession with Lilith Fair or how I ate an entire container of Funfetti frosting last night, but at least I'm kind of ironic. And funny.


2. I am really sick of people asking me fucking stupid questions such as, "How's married life?"

THE SAME AS BEFORE, JACKASS, except now I have idiots like you asking me questions about being married because anyone under the age of 30 who is single has no idea to talk to anyone who isn't. I signed a piece of paper and said some vows, I didn't undergo a lobotomy. I'm still myself. Our relationship is basically the same. The only difference is that older men show me more respect, and older women now think it's okay to tell Seth about their husbands' sexual fetishes. And I get the whole "STFU MARRIEDS" thing. I don't think I fall in that category - I would rather drop dead than post "I love my schmoopie!" anywhere on the goddamn internet - but maybe if you talked to us about things other than our marriages, maybe we would talk about things other than our marriages.


3. I'm not going to spend five hundred trillion dollars on products to minimize my wrinkles. I don't care.

I've got a drinking problem and I don't moisturize. I don't give a shit. I haven't exactly been skating by on my looks for these past 23 years, so why bother trying to start? My teeth are not bright white, I enjoy Wendy's chicken nuggets and I win people over with my sparkling personality. That's just me.