I've got a secret.

One of my greatest character flaws is that I try to pretend to be cultured. I feign interest in the arts; I masquerade as a literature snob. To put it bluntly, I am far more crass than I let on to strangers and loose acquaintances. Outwardly, I am a devotee of the Western canon; inwardly, I want to read any book that has the word "penis" in it.

So I have been acting like I don't enjoy reality television. I know it's pretentious, but the social circles I've been frequenting lately are most definitely of a higher intellectual caliber. As such, I'm sure they find my unending appreciation of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" appalling. I could watch that shit for HOURS. I detest the people on the show and generally find their antics tasteless, but it amuses me nonetheless.

Since I'm 24 and MTV is now the dominion of the teenaged crowd, I've been denying my love for a certain hyper-tanned, Ed Hardy-wearing motley crew of ill repute. That's right, I fucking love Jersey Shore.

Now I know that you, assumed loyal reader and friend, are wondering why a person reeking of cynicism and feminism would support such a vapid entertainment outlet. So hear me out.

It takes a lot of guts to admit you've fucked someone. It takes serious balls to air your dirty laundry in public. It doesn't matter if everyone wants to hear it, or no one does. Imagine if all your weakest moments were videotaped. Imagine if everyone knew you slept with your roommate, and heard your drunken outbursts, and saw your naked breasts as you writhed in a hot tub.

Now, imagine if you didn't give a shit.

This is where the brilliance of this superficial social experiment comes in. 

I love the people on Jersey Shore because they're not attempting to be anything. They're not pretending their tits are real or their storylines are genuine. The whole experience of the show is so contrived that it goes past artificial and somehow comes back to real. We can see past what everyone expects them to do; yet when they do it, we don't blame them. We can't. We created them. They are the manifestation of all the dumbest, purest things we desire. We want sex and tequila and expensive sunglasses covered in rhinestones. The stupidest part is that we deny it.

That's not to say that I'm going to go douse myself in spray tan and bedazzle some crop tops. The greatest part about entertainment is that it can remain just that. I can watch empty people make out and make tons of money, and it really has no effect on who I am or who I will be. It's just oddly comforting that there's a group of people out there, charged with doing nothing but living out the ridiculously selfish fantasies of my generation, and I can watch them make the thousand mistakes I've made. They're not ashamed. And maybe I shouldn't be, either.

50 things that I like.

So I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about shit that I DON'T like. Inspired by niotillfem, I've decided to come up with a list of 50 things that I really like. (She did 101, but I can't go that far. I'm too sarcastic to even feign enthusiasm for living). Here's to a deeper examination of my psyche, and a laundry list that will probably someday need be submitted to a mental health professional for analysis.

Eccentric old cat ladies are right up there, probably because I realize I'll be one some day.

1 The feeling of being the only holder of a secret; when someone tells you something and says "I've never told anyone this before..."

2 The satisfaction of cooking a meal and knowing it will taste good

3 The smell of sweat on someone else's skin

4 Smoking cigarettes on the porch as the sun is setting

5 The exquisite nature of pain that means something

6 Telling someone something honest that is blunt or scary, even to you

7 Wearing only a bathrobe

8 Drinking a bottle of champagne on a Wednesday afternoon with your best friend

9 Singing along to Alanis Morrissette and Melissa Etheridge in a bar and humiliating myself

10 The moment you dunk your head underwater in the ocean and the cold of the water shocks you

11 Finding a new song every week that exactly fits what you're going through

12 Reading about people who have absolutely no reason to be happy, yet they are anyway

13 Walking to work and thinking about all of the history that surrounds me, and all the people who walked these streets before

14 The second of unadulterated joy when you're at a concert and the band plays your favorite song

15 The calm that comes and blankets you post-cry

16 Looking at photographs of family members when they were young, and noticing how beautiful they were

17 Putting on red lipstick and looking at myself in the mirror

18 Finding some amazing overlooked item at a thrift store

19 Calling myself a feminist and atheist and not being afraid of what people are going to think or say

20 Writing a piece of poetry - even a line - and finding it later and remarking at how good it is

21 Looking at massive things (mountains, skyscrapers, the ocean) that make me feel small

22 Watching ridiculously gorgeous women who have no idea how beautiful they are do mundane tasks

23 The challenge of filling a notebook with your thoughts

24 Dancing anywhere, to anything, at any time

25 Meeting a person and feeling a click when you realize that you like them and want to be friends with them

26 Glamorous ingenues of past eras

27 Cities on hills

28 Drinking people under the table, especially if they're men

29 Huge waves that pummel you and knock your breath away, that leave you choking and laughing

30 Creating hilarious monikers for people

31 Putting on a pretty dress even if I have nowhere to wear it

32 Sitting on patios adorned with lights

33 Showing up at a bar that's full of people you know, and realizing that everyone is exactly the same as they've been and will be

34 Being told I'm intelligent

35 Seeing someone's house for the first time

36 Watching my dad get beet red and weep from laughing too hard

37 Rubbing the ears of a cat

38 Carnival lights and being at the top of a Ferris wheel

39 Practicing my handwriting on everything I can

40 Mint chocolate chip ice cream at 7 pm on a hot summer day

41 Finding someone's hand in the dark

42 The way the beach smells just after rain

43 The sound of high heels down a long tiled hallway

44 The feeling of my hair whipping when I'm driving and the windows are down

45 Facing the day in a cool pair of sunglasses

46 Dried roses

47 Reading transgressive fiction that elicits an actual emotional response

48 An incredibly crisp french fry

49 Driving around at Christmastime using the excuse of looking at people's light displays to peek into their windows

50 Stupid things I did when I was 16 that I can reminisce about

if we don't make it, we'll fake it. well, all you broads will.

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the world according to Chelsea.

I've been thinking a lot about my own personal dogma. I thought it was finally time to articulate my theory of living, be it as crass as it may seem. But, hey, to each her own. I don't expect you to be like me. I doubt your liver could handle it.

1. Do not marry someone unless you have had sex with them.

I don't even get this shit. It blows my mind that there are people in modern Western society who meet someone through church or some other socially-sanctioned "pure" avenue, go on three chaperoned dates with them, and then get engaged at Arby's. They then spend two months planning a wedding with sparkling grape juice and crepe paper streamers. We try on dresses before purchasing them, right? We won't purchase a car if we don't know how it drives. There ain't no marriage lemon law, and I don't like to hesitate. I'm a living exception to the rule that no one's going to buy the cow if they've been getting the milk for free since the second time they met.

2. Every day is worthy of a celebration.

Now I don't mean this in some "OMG life is so beautiful. I am SO blessed! Everything is perfect and I am so adorably awesome!" sort of way. What I'm saying is, why the hell not? Every day is a suitable day to drink a bottle of champagne or wear a party dress or dine at a fancy restaurant you can't really afford. Call it hedonism but I prefer to live my life and enjoy it while I'm still here. So pop the cork and pop it off.

3. Be a whole person.

I like dancing. I also like writing (though it's mostly blatherings about daily occurrences that irritate me or frothy poetic nonsense that I jot down and hide away). I also like arguing about politics, watching documentaries about cults of personality and home decorating. My point is that I don't look to one thing to fulfill me. I never grew up saying "I want more than anything in life to be a wife!" I am a wife, but more importantly, I'm a person. I seek fulfillment through my relationships with other people, but mostly I find that fulfillment in my relationship with myself.

4. Just get over yourself.

I've had the hardest problem with this lately. My envy has been eating me alive. Yes, of course I wish I didn't drive a shitbox from fourteen years ago/have acne AND wrinkles/work a 9 to 5/have lovehandles. And yes, I am pissed off at people who have things that are nicer than my own. However, if I didn't just get the fuck over myself, I would be obsessing about these things ALL THE TIME instead of writing hilarious blog posts for you to read. So actually, you should be thanking me for getting over myself so I can make the world a (warning: subjectivity ahead) better place.

5. Live and die by the Hitachi Magic Wand.

I'm not screwing around with this one. Really. REALLY.

Bow down, bitches, and give thanks to your saviour.