the post in which I make fun of abstinence-only sex education and die a little on the inside.

I was your run-of-the-mill suburban WASP type. I grew up in a house where sex was NOT discussed, save for a conversation with my mother at age 19 when she confessed that she found oral sex disgusting. Needless to say, everything I learned before having sex, I learned from inept, conservative, middle-aged sex education teachers. 

I didn't go to school during the era of abstinence-only education, though, and I thank the non-existent higher power for that. I was given enough of an education to know that condoms are effective, all chlamydia requires is some penicillin and the nearest abortion clinic was 35 miles away. I didn't learn about female orgasms (naturally, the discourse of desire fails women), but that what was my trusty $12 novelty vibrator from Spencer's that my boyfriend stole for me was for.

So I'm frustrated to see the outright lies that these government-funded "educational" groups lay thick on kids nowadays. A sampling:

- You can get HIV from sweat and tears

- 40-day old fetuses are "thinking people"

- Condoms are effective less than 70% of the time

- Abortion causes breast cancer and sterility  

Not to mention the fact that they either stigmatize queer youth or leave the LGBT experience out of teachings entirely, and perpetuate ridiculous gender stereotypes that are designed to boost the patriarchy and keep women devalued.

Apparently, as part of the curriculum in many states, they make kids in junior high draw (I use the term liberally) posters depicting the ills of sex and the joys of retaining your hymen. Note, of course, the onus is on girls to stop boys before they go too far - and if they get knocked up, it's their fault. I'm not criticizing the kids that make these posters - how are they to know better? I'm just furious that moralistic assholes who want to spread their bullshit gospel put young people's lives in jeopardy because they refuse to acknowledge reality and give teens the tools to protect themselves.

Let's read the inanity and weep, shall we?

 

I think this is probably the best advertisement for the rhythm method that I've ever heard.

I really like how this one throws in a "but," like, getting STDs is wicked awesome, but, then you might have to blow all your after-school job money on some offspring. Bummer, dude.

WHO GETS PERMS ANYMORE?! I'd much prefer a sticky white substance over an hour of burnt hair smell and months of poodle hair.

This bitch makes it sound like "intimate affection" is a bad thing. I bet her mother makes her douche with Lysol.

Reach for the stars! 

Intercourse: a one way ticket to quadruple-bypassville.

Uh, kiddo? Nobody told you about how propagating the species actually works, did they? Awkward.

Sex kills! So wait until you're married! So you don't die alone! I'm going to go kill myself now.

I'm not a candy. I also do my Kegel's. Nobody knows the difference.

I'm pretty quick to refute this one. Talking is dangerous. Talking is where your heart gets broken, not when someone's between your legs. It's pretty hard to tell someone their grandmother died mid-coitus.

It terrifies and saddens me that we're making junior high school students submit anti-abortion propaganda for a school project. The "mother" emphasis also really blows my mind. No wonder she aborted you - that's fucking obnoxious.

This is a great message, but it negates itself. First of all, if I'm using condoms, the implication is that I will not have a baby to feed. (That's what condoms are for, FYI, you adorable little undereducated tweens). And all I gotta do is put some Alpo in a bowl labeled "BABY," plop it down on the floor and we're good to go. Like pets, only you birth them!

There will be someone who will come along in your life. Someone incredibly attractive who you will think about from time and wish that you had bedded. And trust me, until you masturbate to someone you haven't seen in five years, you don't know the meaning of "too late."

the Swift conundrum.

 She's legally an adult. I don't feel guilty.

All I've heard about lately is Taylor Swift. And for some reason, I can't get her out of my head. Maybe it's the fact that every radio station plays her three times an hour. Maybe it's the fact that MTV hasn't played music videos in six years, but somehow, hers are making the rounds. Maybe it's the fact that everyone on the internet is obsessed with her.

But I'm going to take the opinion of Sady Doyle at Bitch, who calls Swift out for being a less-than-ideal representative of a young woman at the height of fame.

Let's take a step back for a moment, shall we? Back to when I was 16. Back to when my parents found out I lost my virginity because Newsweek had written an all-too-paternalistic feature on how great all these untouched teenagers were. I decided to compose a letter to the editor arguing my view that one could be a smart, responsible, upstanding teen even if you've let someone round the bases. Due to my unending wisdom and eloquence even in 11th grade, they wanted to print my rant. So they called my house to ask permission. While I was at school.

What I was rebelling against when I was 16 is what Taylor Swift has come to represent - the I haven't-given-it-up-so-I'm-better-than-you morality. Being a virgin, by nature, should not make you a "good girl." But the concept is endlessly perpetuated, and I am unwilling to call anyone an unlikely feminist unless they're willing to challenge the "The Disney Factor." The only representations of young women between the ages of 15 and 21 are the virgins or the whores. Our society refuses to allow the middle ground - the not-overtly sexy teenage girl who doesn't totter around on stilettos, but has given a blowjob or two in her day. No one depicts what most would consider average teenage sexuality (need I remind, 63% of high schoolers have sex before they graduate) - you're either riding stripper poles or calling anyone who doesn't wear a promise ring a slut.

For me, here's a big difference between singing songs for a particular demographic, and presenting onesself as being PART of that demographic. Raffi records music for young children - but he doesn't pretend he's a five-year-old. Taylor Swift, though legally old enough to vote, smoke cigarettes, view pornography and serve in the military, is making music for girls that are fourteen and presenting herself in music videos as though she were fourteen. Surely Swift's life experiences can't just be boiled down to four years of high school, can they?

The common response to the argument against Taylor Swift is that those who dislike her image "carry baggage," and "made mistakes" and are jealous of her adorable purity. To say I am envious of her money and fame is not ridiculous - I make thirty thousand dollars a year, for Christ's sake - but I think I've seen more in my 23 years than Taylor could ever dream of, and I'm happy to have that experience. I just don't think young girls need more patronizing, another famous figure who's telling them that if you are female, and you LIKE SEX, you are BAD. In addition, she is framing masculinity in excessively limited terms as well - BOYS are going to push you to do what you don't want to, BOYS are clueless and only go for the girls in high heels, BOYS are going to break your heart no matter what you do.

I'm not going to say that Taylor Swift is a bad role model, because I don't think she is, in context of broader pop culture. But if you look at Swift in comparison to artists such as Jewel, Alanis Morrisette and Fiona Apple - all of whom helped write and cut their iconic American debuts Pieces of You, Jagged Little Pill and Tidal around the time they were 19, Swift's current age - you realize how far she has to come. Swift is lamenting on losing boys to high-heeled cheerleaders and fantasizing about becoming a princess. "Who Will Save Your Soul" addresses American consumer culture, addiction and prostitution, and Jewel said she wrote it when she was sixteen. Alanis, instead of cowering and crying about her breakup, rants and raves and misbehaves on "You Oughta Know," playing anything but the docile feminine doll that Swift has come to embody. Fiona made it awfully clear she's a sinner in "Criminal," and ultimately, this self-awareness made all of us realize how adult she and the other Lilith Fair era ladies actually were. They owned themselves and their images, even at 19.

My point? Let's give it up for the ladies of the 90s. At least they didn't have an agenda other than being totally fucking crazy, and awesome.

get a spine. please.

Today in Dumb Young Women Who Don't Know What the Hell They're Talking About and They're Making the Rest of Us Look Bad, Eva Lorraine Molina busts out some bullshit about how women nowadays aren't "ladylike" enough.

I bet this girl just read "Modesty" by Wendy Shalit and thought she'd chime in with her own narcissistic, implausible, poorly written diatribe.

"On college campuses telling the difference between liberal and conservative women is nearly impossible when they behave in an equally undignified manner. Conservative women should display their values through their lifestyle. This means acting like ladies, because the difference between conservative and liberal women should not just be the way we vote."

Conservative women wear modest clothing. Liberal women dress like they're competing for Miss Hawaiian Tropic. I'm sorry but I can't take anyone seriously who makes sweeping generalizations and divides people into two categories.

She goes on. "A lady does not tell dirty jokes along with men and she does not tolerate men telling dirty jokes in her presence. She does not swear, and she is not considered 'one of the guys.' In spite of new fashion trends, a lady always dresses appropriately, leaving a lot to the imagination. When at a social gathering, a lady does not do things she will regret the next day. Above all, a lady is well-mannered, dignified, gracious, and kind."

A lady has no sense of humor. She does not have fun, and she is not considered "someone you hang out with." In spite of new fashion trends, a lady wears the frumpiest clothes possible, hiding behind her baggy shirts and long dresses because she refuses to be seen as a sexual being. When at a social gathering, a lady sits around as a bored designated driver while her husband drinks thirteen Budweisers. Above all, a lady is passive, quiet, desperate and a doormat.

"Our society holds conservatives to a higher moral standard."

Let me repeat that, because the first time I read it, I choked on my water in a fit of laughter.

"Our society holds conservatives to a higher moral standard."

No wonder the Bush administration tortured prisoners, Larry Craig solicited a man for gay sex in an airport bathroom, Ted Haggard did meth with his hustler boytoy, Tom DeLay laundered campaign money, Mark Foley sent lewd messages to teenage Congressional pages, Jim Bakker served jail time for fraud and Jimmy Swaggert hung out with a prostitute at a hotel in New Orleans.

Really living up to that standard, let me tell you.

"I have heard many of my male peers place women into three categories: 'the ones to mess around with, the ones to date, and the ones to marry.' Though this is a rather crude way of categorizing women, it shows that men do recognize and value the qualities that make a woman a lady. Ladies are the kind of women that men can take home to Mom and Dad and that most men want to marry."

Sweetheart, he might want to marry you, but he's sure as hell not going to want to sleep with you. It doesn't matter if he puts a ring on your finger, you'll sit home barefoot and pregnant while he's sleeping with one of those women who's there 'to mess around with.' Sorry, but party girls always win. Get a grip.

What all of this boils down to, essentially, is this: Women are supposed to be perfect, happy, attractive helpmeets at all times. Any incidence of women showing INDEPENDENCE, any self-actualization, any time women show dissatisfaction with their lot in life or desire to change said lot, we are being "unladylike." And naturally, it's all OUR fault that society has changed and we've been labeled "sluts." It has nothing to do with the fact that men have been responsible for the hypersexualized female image in modern media. It isn't related to the fact that our society is entirely focused on the male gaze. And, in Molina's world, it's up to us to change in order to be respected by men - of course, it's not the responsibility of men to progress past patriarchy's "fuck them, date them, or marry them" axiom, and change to earn OUR respect. Get off the floor, Eva. Have some dignity.