reason #5,724 why I am now an old lady.

Let me tell you all about my newest hobby. It's really quite thrilling. You see, I go into grocery stores to buy butter and frozen pizza and come out with puzzle books. I am a big fan, in particular, of word searches. I spend hours on end ignoring my husband while attempting to complete word searches in which I look for words like "liege" and "whiskers." Then I go to bed, not after 11 p.m. and not before complaining about how much my feet hurt and attempting to woo my cat into sleeping on the bed beside me.

It's weird when you reach this point that you realize why adults do things, and though you're conscious of this, you don't stop yourself from doing them too. Other things on this list that I've discovered include:

1. arguing about housework
2. getting a pet and treating it like it's a child
3. having less sex
4. having a drink immediately when you get home from work
5. feeling like you should go on a diet
6. placating yourself with stupid crap you don't need (like vintage luggage and xbox games)

I mean, many of these are the consequences of... responsibility. Responsibility of keeping a house, being a good partner, being successful at work and attempting to retain your sanity without absolute exhaustion. But it's hard keeping your edge, man, and with every Dell Official Word Search booklet I buy that advertises for porcelain Yorkies sitting in teacups wearing rhinestone collars, another piece of my youthful hipness dies.

Back to the puzzles. I just completed "Mustache Bash" and had the hardest fucking time trying to find "fu manchu."

modern heart. nostalgic mind.

I bought these beauties today. I've long held a passion for vintage luggage - it is always so colorful and so much more exciting than the standard black zip-up rolling bags that are wheeled around these days. I'm hoping using luggage with a handle will also encourage me to pack lighter, as I tend to travel with five outfits for two-day trips.

More fabulous vintage finds that would make me feel so midcentury.

Unlike many people I know, I totally suck at photography. But I love the look of old cameras and would love to someday have a curio collection of them. This Kodak from 1935 is awesome.

I miss the days when phone conversations were not held in subway stations or the middle of restaurants, but when you had to sit next to a phone to use it. Conversations, I feel, were much less trivial then "Oh hey, when are you coming over? Alright bye." I suppose that's what Facebook is for, and I can't pretend I'm not at least partially addicted to my gadgets - but sometimes the idea of being less accessible is appealing, and at times like these, I wish it were 1968 and I had an aqua blue corded phone like this one.

I want antlers... Just another "rich old lady" type of thing. At least I wouldn't feel guilty about owning these, seeing as they were naturally shed.

I have wanted a motherfucking starburst clock since I was 10 and saw one on the Brady Bunch. Let's make it happen, plz.



All images courtesy of Etsy and the respective sellers.

you all get older. I just get more stylish.

Some current observations on aging, marriage, spawning (gross) and being fantastic:

1. I don't get why we, as a culture, congratulate people for having babies, and, furthermore, praise the attractiveness of said babies, even when they're hideous.

I guess I should get used to this, as it's going to happen for the next 20 years or so, but it seems like everyone is getting knocked up. And they all expect congrats and GIFTS for doing so.

Call me callous, but I don't think that having a man ejaculate inside of you is something worthy of a prize. I'm forced to hearken back to Garfunkel & Oates' "Pregnant Women are Smug." I know women - my best friend Melanie among them - who have had kids, and adore them, but never acted like they were better than anyone else or more special for doing so.

I think the idea of a shower weirds me out, too. It's like being at a big Christmas morning except there are no mimosas, and you don't get shit but have to watch someone else open every pair of fucking socks they get and show them around, and everyone's supposed to feign interest when all they can think about is when they're going to GET OUT OF THERE and watch football. Oh wait, I forgot, I'm the only broad who likes football, and not just because it's impressive to dudes.

I know having a child makes you less selfish, a better person, you're a mutant if you don't want one, it's your responsibility as a woman to procreate and ensure the survival of the species, blah blah blah, but I really don't care about how much your one-month-old baby shits, or how sore your breasts are because you've been pumping them all night. You probably don't care about my obsession with Lilith Fair or how I ate an entire container of Funfetti frosting last night, but at least I'm kind of ironic. And funny.


2. I am really sick of people asking me fucking stupid questions such as, "How's married life?"

THE SAME AS BEFORE, JACKASS, except now I have idiots like you asking me questions about being married because anyone under the age of 30 who is single has no idea to talk to anyone who isn't. I signed a piece of paper and said some vows, I didn't undergo a lobotomy. I'm still myself. Our relationship is basically the same. The only difference is that older men show me more respect, and older women now think it's okay to tell Seth about their husbands' sexual fetishes. And I get the whole "STFU MARRIEDS" thing. I don't think I fall in that category - I would rather drop dead than post "I love my schmoopie!" anywhere on the goddamn internet - but maybe if you talked to us about things other than our marriages, maybe we would talk about things other than our marriages.


3. I'm not going to spend five hundred trillion dollars on products to minimize my wrinkles. I don't care.

I've got a drinking problem and I don't moisturize. I don't give a shit. I haven't exactly been skating by on my looks for these past 23 years, so why bother trying to start? My teeth are not bright white, I enjoy Wendy's chicken nuggets and I win people over with my sparkling personality. That's just me.