I don't fucking get romance novels.

 I'm not heartless, I swear. Brokeback Mountain made me cry.

I know it's not going to shock anyone, but I really don't care for that whole "I have a uterus and thus I am only interested in storytelling about heterosexual love affairs with non-descript characters and one brutally over-dramatized sex scene" thing. I understand that there is a segment of the female population that secretly reads trashy Harlequin romance novels about ripping corsets and riding "members," and that's fine, because they keep that shit on the down low. Nobody would dare to read "Mistress: Pregnant by the Spanish Billionaire" anywhere remotely public.

But, unfortunately, it is socially acceptable to read the printed diarrhea that is any Nicholas Sparks novel. And I want to punch this douchebag in the face simply for introducing his particular brand of fantastical and formulaic love story into the cultural lexicon.

Yet another movie based on one of Sparks' books just came out, with Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth (don't worry, I have no idea who the fuck he is either) playing the romantic leads. Now, I'm not going to see this piece of shit movie - he's responsible for six of these god-awful things so far, and the only one I saw was A Walk to Remember because I was fifteen and a romance-junkie friend dragged me against my will - but I bet I can narrow the plot down in one sentence: Rebellious individual meets overly generous and kind person, they each learn the error of their own ways, make out, and then one of them dies.

.... And this guy makes MILLIONS of dollars? Why, you ask?

I'll tell you why - because American women are given no great fantasy. We all want to escape our lives, right? Transcend the banality of rising at the same time every morning, working in the same cubicle, bogged down by the decision of whether to have chicken or fish for dinner. Society has established numerous legal avenues for men to just get away from their lives - sports, whiskey, Xbox 360, Tolkien, sportscars, the list goes on, ad infinitum.

What do women get? Romance novels.

It's just assumed that LOVE is all we care about. It's just assumed that from the second we're born with a vagina we're just waiting longingly for our princes to come. All our dreams revolve around the white dress, the diamond ring, the moment of completeness when we find The One and can settle down and start popping out children and never worry about anything again except for The One maybe dying in a mudslide (Nights in Rodanthe) or dropping dead at 17 with leukemia (A Walk to Remember) or enjoying a wonderful life with us and then forgetting the entire thing in old age due to dementia (The Notebook).

So basically, Nicholas Sparks is dictating our greatest desires and deepest fears. I'm so glad there's yet another man who knows exactly what women want. I'm also so glad that the vast majority of women have absolutely no taste in literature, because they're all making me look so much more posh by default.

you're an asshole.

And you get in my way.

Being trapped in a metal tube for approximately two hours a day, plus working in the middle of what Vietnam vets like to call "the shit" - or what's known to Bostonians as Downtown Crossing -  has made me quite the people-hater. Sometimes I feel like everyone is just trying to annoy the crap out of me. Today I'll run through through all the kinds of people I encounter on a daily basis that drive me insane.

1. Bluetooth Headset Guy

You seriously can't take that shit off to have a romantic dinner with your wife?

Oh, I'm sorry for bumping into you, Self-Important Bluetooth Headset Guy. See, while you were standing on the Green Line, doing nothing at all, you were obviously waiting for some call that will be so urgent and important that you won't have 15 seconds to answer the call on your phone, or just put your headset on your head. No, no, you are SOOOOO busy waterskiing and rope climbing and holding an umbrella that you cannot actually hold your phone and have to wear your fucking headset everywhere you go. And I've NEVER actually seen someone who's wearing a headset ever get a call. These douchebags just want you to know that because they wear a little piece of plastic over their ear that blinks, they are wayyyyy more in demand than you'll ever be. The only satisfaction I get is that everyone who actually conducts a phone call on a headset in public looks like a total nutjob who is talking to themselves.


2. Incredibly, Ridiculously Loud Mexican Music Lady

I WISH it were Sugar Ray. And that's giving Sugar Ray a lot of credit.

This bitch lost her hearing in 1995, which is the only explanation for why she plays her incredibly obnoxious music so loudly that people 20 feet away can hear it. And, without fail, the music itself is stuff that no one in their right mind would ever listen to. It always sounds like a mariachi band that's been put on an Autotune. Why can't these people blast the Rolling Stones? Or Elton? If they're going to make everyone else in a half-mile radius listen to their iPod they should be forced to play something that most people actually like.


3. The Tourist

I don't even care about your contribution to our economy.

I'm sure you all knew this was coming. But tourists drive me up a wall. Is it so hard, Mr. and Mrs. Southern-Drawl-and-Walmart-Denim-Shorts, to not ride the subway at rush hour when you have no idea where you're going? Is it so impossible for you to not stand in front of the door with your thirty-five stupid children when people have trains to catch? I don't fucking understand why these people cannot fathom that while they are meandering around a city that doubles in population every weekday, people have things to do.

4. Foghorn Nose-Blower Dude

The leader of the free world blows his nose quietly, why can't you?

I have no idea how these guys make blowing their nose into the world's biggest racket, but they do it. They must have this weird arm arc that allows them to blow and apply pressure at just the right point so that while they shoot snot out of their schnozes, they simultaneously delight us with a blowhorn worthy of a college basketball game. COME ON.

5. IPhone Cultists
 

Sprint 4life.

I read something in Elle the other day that said iPhone users judge other people based on their gadgets. Well, I judge you based on your iPhone. I know my friends have them and they may be offended, but God, everytime someone gets one of these things, it's like they don't even bother to have human interaction anymore. They spend all their money on stupid applications that distort pictures of themselves and calculate how much they should put down for a tip on their overpriced brunch at The Beehive. Every iPhone user does nothing but look at their iPhone and think about how many times they want to blow Steve Jobs for creating such a beautiful masterpiece of technology. They will no doubt ensure eventual complete isolation in any and all social situations, since no one wants to hang out with someone who can't even bother to put their stupid phone down to engage in a conversation. But hey, what do they care? Now they don't even have to pretend to actually care about your life - they can just periodically maintain the friendship via Facebook!

in the words of my mother, go fry your ass.

In the wake of the most sweeping social legislation in decades, I'm fucking ragey.

I'm ragey because suddenly every idiot in America - and certainly every moron on my Facebook news feed - has an opinion about politics and government. And none of them know a god damn thing.

I have decided that I'm no longer going to even respond to anyone who is all about "free markets" and "small government" and "personal responsibility" unless they swear, at pains of perjury, that they will not accept Social Security or Medicare when they turn 65. Because you know when push comes to shove, everyone in America is a greedy bastard. That's why they're so concerned about paying taxes to begin with, conveniently forgetting the fact that without tax revenue, we have no roads, we have no police, we have no schools and we have no government that you can heckle and spit at when they try to do something to help people that are poorer than you.

And I'm sick and tired of the sugarcoating of this bullshit Tea Party movement. Oh, you're so mad about how Obama is spending your tax dollars? Where were you when Bush launched two wars to which $1.03 TRILLION DOLLARS have been allocated so far, that have no end in sight? Oh, that's right. You didn't care. Because he wasn't black.

I saw this gem of a status update today by a self-avowed libertarian:

"Thank God for the states suing the Govt after the egregious passing of the health care bill. Burn in hell liberals, I want America back."

Now, I'm going to spare you the unsightly details of my relationship with this person - whom I had a one night stand with in college, a rendezvous that can surely be blamed on the Southern Comfort. But what you should know is that this guy graduated from a $35,000 a year university and sleeps in a tent in Harvard Square because he thinks it makes him "edgy." He doesn't work - unless you call emailing me three times after I got married to ask me if I wanted to buy a knife set from him 'work' - and dumpster dives to feed himself. So I'm fucking DYING to know - what America are you talking about? The one which you support with your tax dollars - um, nope. The one you support through consumerism, rent, utilities - oh, whoops. Yeah, sorry, it's kind of more my America than yours, considering that I PAY FOR IT.

In my oh-so-humble opinion, if you live in Massachusetts and you don't like the health care reform, you're a fucking idiot. Nothing about your life will change, except for the fact that if you happen to come down with cancer, your insurance company can't stop paying for treatment. Which, if you actually use your brain, should be a given. If you want to bitch and moan about how it's going to 'bankrupt America,' why don't you protest what is actually bankrupting America - $663.3 million in defense spending just this year, which, if you didn't know, is almost as much as the rest of the world's defense spending combined.

I could spend hours going off about what Obama's ridiculous executive order may mean for the future of abortion, and how pissed off I am that no public option is included, but I'll save that for another day.

All I have to say is that I've got my finger on the "defriend" button, and I ain't afraid to use it. Luckily, this doesn't have to apply to what many would call 'real life' - I don't have morons (or ugly people) for friends.