I don't think Beyonce is so great.

According to the Daily Fail, "Single Ladies" was voted the best video of the decade. Let me first just say that I, being a married old hag who only listens to Oldies 103.3, only first viewed this video several days ago. Now, I know Kanye is going to come out of the shadows and start walking on my keyboard or something, but I really don't get the appeal.

Yeah, she can dance. Who gives a shit? I mean, Diana Ross (my lord and saviour) was doing this shit forty years ago, and though she didn't involve so much ass shaking, she also didn't dress like an instructor at Miss Tina's Studio of Dance.



I found this video very repetitive and lacking character. Where are all the animated cats following her up flights of stairs? What about the dudes shakily drawn in colored pencil? Watching this even made me miss the bumblebee girl from that Blind Melon video.

All of this reminded me of how little social currency music videos have anymore. The impetus to go "viral" far surpasses the desire to create unique, visually stimulating works. Since MTV is now where intellect and originality go to die, I doubt we will ever see anything like the Pop-Up Video gems of the 1990s ever again. Directors who function as artists - see Chris Cunningham - are long gone, but so are the conventions that made the majority of music videos so watchable. I used to spend hours watching these things, and now they're relegated to the far reaches of the world wide web.

I present to you: five masterpieces of music video, the way it used to be.


Meatloaf - I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

Three words: Totally. Fucking. Epic. The only downside to this video is that it is soooooooooooo long.




Taylor Dayne - Tell It To My Heart

This is where Beyonce got it wrong. If you want to do the whole dancing-and-singing-on-a-white-background-with-accompaniment, you need to do in color, wearing bright red lipstick and you need a guy doing cartwheels in ripped jeans. Oh, and you need to move your mouth in completely ridiculous ways.




Toni Braxton - I Get So High

This video made me dream, when I was nine, about having my own apartment with an elevator and giant playing cards with which to rate various grown men. Toni is the master of weird haircuts and standing in front of blue bubble backgrounds. I have to say, this video is a great mix of storyline and frames of singing, a delicate balance that made the videos of the 90s so perfect.




Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity

Jamiroquai rules. This is what videos should be like - aesthetically interesting, kind of weird, futuristic, with a little bit of casual footwork and an underlying dark element. The only reason this isn't my favorite music video ever is that Jay Kay is really not very attractive, and they hired a fourteen-year-old ICP fan to be the stylist. I don't know which is worse - the stupid hat or the Old Navy Performance Fleece.




Cranberries - Zombie

On a more serious note, this music video has a political message - one that made most of America almost understand what was going on in Northern Ireland. It's a powerful piece of imagery that actually means something, unlike 'If you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it.' Sasha Fierce ain't got shit on Dolores O'Riordan.