you're an asshole.

And you get in my way.

Being trapped in a metal tube for approximately two hours a day, plus working in the middle of what Vietnam vets like to call "the shit" - or what's known to Bostonians as Downtown Crossing -  has made me quite the people-hater. Sometimes I feel like everyone is just trying to annoy the crap out of me. Today I'll run through through all the kinds of people I encounter on a daily basis that drive me insane.

1. Bluetooth Headset Guy

You seriously can't take that shit off to have a romantic dinner with your wife?

Oh, I'm sorry for bumping into you, Self-Important Bluetooth Headset Guy. See, while you were standing on the Green Line, doing nothing at all, you were obviously waiting for some call that will be so urgent and important that you won't have 15 seconds to answer the call on your phone, or just put your headset on your head. No, no, you are SOOOOO busy waterskiing and rope climbing and holding an umbrella that you cannot actually hold your phone and have to wear your fucking headset everywhere you go. And I've NEVER actually seen someone who's wearing a headset ever get a call. These douchebags just want you to know that because they wear a little piece of plastic over their ear that blinks, they are wayyyyy more in demand than you'll ever be. The only satisfaction I get is that everyone who actually conducts a phone call on a headset in public looks like a total nutjob who is talking to themselves.


2. Incredibly, Ridiculously Loud Mexican Music Lady

I WISH it were Sugar Ray. And that's giving Sugar Ray a lot of credit.

This bitch lost her hearing in 1995, which is the only explanation for why she plays her incredibly obnoxious music so loudly that people 20 feet away can hear it. And, without fail, the music itself is stuff that no one in their right mind would ever listen to. It always sounds like a mariachi band that's been put on an Autotune. Why can't these people blast the Rolling Stones? Or Elton? If they're going to make everyone else in a half-mile radius listen to their iPod they should be forced to play something that most people actually like.


3. The Tourist

I don't even care about your contribution to our economy.

I'm sure you all knew this was coming. But tourists drive me up a wall. Is it so hard, Mr. and Mrs. Southern-Drawl-and-Walmart-Denim-Shorts, to not ride the subway at rush hour when you have no idea where you're going? Is it so impossible for you to not stand in front of the door with your thirty-five stupid children when people have trains to catch? I don't fucking understand why these people cannot fathom that while they are meandering around a city that doubles in population every weekday, people have things to do.

4. Foghorn Nose-Blower Dude

The leader of the free world blows his nose quietly, why can't you?

I have no idea how these guys make blowing their nose into the world's biggest racket, but they do it. They must have this weird arm arc that allows them to blow and apply pressure at just the right point so that while they shoot snot out of their schnozes, they simultaneously delight us with a blowhorn worthy of a college basketball game. COME ON.

5. IPhone Cultists
 

Sprint 4life.

I read something in Elle the other day that said iPhone users judge other people based on their gadgets. Well, I judge you based on your iPhone. I know my friends have them and they may be offended, but God, everytime someone gets one of these things, it's like they don't even bother to have human interaction anymore. They spend all their money on stupid applications that distort pictures of themselves and calculate how much they should put down for a tip on their overpriced brunch at The Beehive. Every iPhone user does nothing but look at their iPhone and think about how many times they want to blow Steve Jobs for creating such a beautiful masterpiece of technology. They will no doubt ensure eventual complete isolation in any and all social situations, since no one wants to hang out with someone who can't even bother to put their stupid phone down to engage in a conversation. But hey, what do they care? Now they don't even have to pretend to actually care about your life - they can just periodically maintain the friendship via Facebook!

in the words of my mother, go fry your ass.

In the wake of the most sweeping social legislation in decades, I'm fucking ragey.

I'm ragey because suddenly every idiot in America - and certainly every moron on my Facebook news feed - has an opinion about politics and government. And none of them know a god damn thing.

I have decided that I'm no longer going to even respond to anyone who is all about "free markets" and "small government" and "personal responsibility" unless they swear, at pains of perjury, that they will not accept Social Security or Medicare when they turn 65. Because you know when push comes to shove, everyone in America is a greedy bastard. That's why they're so concerned about paying taxes to begin with, conveniently forgetting the fact that without tax revenue, we have no roads, we have no police, we have no schools and we have no government that you can heckle and spit at when they try to do something to help people that are poorer than you.

And I'm sick and tired of the sugarcoating of this bullshit Tea Party movement. Oh, you're so mad about how Obama is spending your tax dollars? Where were you when Bush launched two wars to which $1.03 TRILLION DOLLARS have been allocated so far, that have no end in sight? Oh, that's right. You didn't care. Because he wasn't black.

I saw this gem of a status update today by a self-avowed libertarian:

"Thank God for the states suing the Govt after the egregious passing of the health care bill. Burn in hell liberals, I want America back."

Now, I'm going to spare you the unsightly details of my relationship with this person - whom I had a one night stand with in college, a rendezvous that can surely be blamed on the Southern Comfort. But what you should know is that this guy graduated from a $35,000 a year university and sleeps in a tent in Harvard Square because he thinks it makes him "edgy." He doesn't work - unless you call emailing me three times after I got married to ask me if I wanted to buy a knife set from him 'work' - and dumpster dives to feed himself. So I'm fucking DYING to know - what America are you talking about? The one which you support with your tax dollars - um, nope. The one you support through consumerism, rent, utilities - oh, whoops. Yeah, sorry, it's kind of more my America than yours, considering that I PAY FOR IT.

In my oh-so-humble opinion, if you live in Massachusetts and you don't like the health care reform, you're a fucking idiot. Nothing about your life will change, except for the fact that if you happen to come down with cancer, your insurance company can't stop paying for treatment. Which, if you actually use your brain, should be a given. If you want to bitch and moan about how it's going to 'bankrupt America,' why don't you protest what is actually bankrupting America - $663.3 million in defense spending just this year, which, if you didn't know, is almost as much as the rest of the world's defense spending combined.

I could spend hours going off about what Obama's ridiculous executive order may mean for the future of abortion, and how pissed off I am that no public option is included, but I'll save that for another day.

All I have to say is that I've got my finger on the "defriend" button, and I ain't afraid to use it. Luckily, this doesn't have to apply to what many would call 'real life' - I don't have morons (or ugly people) for friends.

reason #5,724 why I am now an old lady.

Let me tell you all about my newest hobby. It's really quite thrilling. You see, I go into grocery stores to buy butter and frozen pizza and come out with puzzle books. I am a big fan, in particular, of word searches. I spend hours on end ignoring my husband while attempting to complete word searches in which I look for words like "liege" and "whiskers." Then I go to bed, not after 11 p.m. and not before complaining about how much my feet hurt and attempting to woo my cat into sleeping on the bed beside me.

It's weird when you reach this point that you realize why adults do things, and though you're conscious of this, you don't stop yourself from doing them too. Other things on this list that I've discovered include:

1. arguing about housework
2. getting a pet and treating it like it's a child
3. having less sex
4. having a drink immediately when you get home from work
5. feeling like you should go on a diet
6. placating yourself with stupid crap you don't need (like vintage luggage and xbox games)

I mean, many of these are the consequences of... responsibility. Responsibility of keeping a house, being a good partner, being successful at work and attempting to retain your sanity without absolute exhaustion. But it's hard keeping your edge, man, and with every Dell Official Word Search booklet I buy that advertises for porcelain Yorkies sitting in teacups wearing rhinestone collars, another piece of my youthful hipness dies.

Back to the puzzles. I just completed "Mustache Bash" and had the hardest fucking time trying to find "fu manchu."

modern heart. nostalgic mind.

I bought these beauties today. I've long held a passion for vintage luggage - it is always so colorful and so much more exciting than the standard black zip-up rolling bags that are wheeled around these days. I'm hoping using luggage with a handle will also encourage me to pack lighter, as I tend to travel with five outfits for two-day trips.

More fabulous vintage finds that would make me feel so midcentury.

Unlike many people I know, I totally suck at photography. But I love the look of old cameras and would love to someday have a curio collection of them. This Kodak from 1935 is awesome.

I miss the days when phone conversations were not held in subway stations or the middle of restaurants, but when you had to sit next to a phone to use it. Conversations, I feel, were much less trivial then "Oh hey, when are you coming over? Alright bye." I suppose that's what Facebook is for, and I can't pretend I'm not at least partially addicted to my gadgets - but sometimes the idea of being less accessible is appealing, and at times like these, I wish it were 1968 and I had an aqua blue corded phone like this one.

I want antlers... Just another "rich old lady" type of thing. At least I wouldn't feel guilty about owning these, seeing as they were naturally shed.

I have wanted a motherfucking starburst clock since I was 10 and saw one on the Brady Bunch. Let's make it happen, plz.



All images courtesy of Etsy and the respective sellers.

you all get older. I just get more stylish.

Some current observations on aging, marriage, spawning (gross) and being fantastic:

1. I don't get why we, as a culture, congratulate people for having babies, and, furthermore, praise the attractiveness of said babies, even when they're hideous.

I guess I should get used to this, as it's going to happen for the next 20 years or so, but it seems like everyone is getting knocked up. And they all expect congrats and GIFTS for doing so.

Call me callous, but I don't think that having a man ejaculate inside of you is something worthy of a prize. I'm forced to hearken back to Garfunkel & Oates' "Pregnant Women are Smug." I know women - my best friend Melanie among them - who have had kids, and adore them, but never acted like they were better than anyone else or more special for doing so.

I think the idea of a shower weirds me out, too. It's like being at a big Christmas morning except there are no mimosas, and you don't get shit but have to watch someone else open every pair of fucking socks they get and show them around, and everyone's supposed to feign interest when all they can think about is when they're going to GET OUT OF THERE and watch football. Oh wait, I forgot, I'm the only broad who likes football, and not just because it's impressive to dudes.

I know having a child makes you less selfish, a better person, you're a mutant if you don't want one, it's your responsibility as a woman to procreate and ensure the survival of the species, blah blah blah, but I really don't care about how much your one-month-old baby shits, or how sore your breasts are because you've been pumping them all night. You probably don't care about my obsession with Lilith Fair or how I ate an entire container of Funfetti frosting last night, but at least I'm kind of ironic. And funny.


2. I am really sick of people asking me fucking stupid questions such as, "How's married life?"

THE SAME AS BEFORE, JACKASS, except now I have idiots like you asking me questions about being married because anyone under the age of 30 who is single has no idea to talk to anyone who isn't. I signed a piece of paper and said some vows, I didn't undergo a lobotomy. I'm still myself. Our relationship is basically the same. The only difference is that older men show me more respect, and older women now think it's okay to tell Seth about their husbands' sexual fetishes. And I get the whole "STFU MARRIEDS" thing. I don't think I fall in that category - I would rather drop dead than post "I love my schmoopie!" anywhere on the goddamn internet - but maybe if you talked to us about things other than our marriages, maybe we would talk about things other than our marriages.


3. I'm not going to spend five hundred trillion dollars on products to minimize my wrinkles. I don't care.

I've got a drinking problem and I don't moisturize. I don't give a shit. I haven't exactly been skating by on my looks for these past 23 years, so why bother trying to start? My teeth are not bright white, I enjoy Wendy's chicken nuggets and I win people over with my sparkling personality. That's just me.