Being trapped in a metal tube for approximately two hours a day, plus working in the middle of what Vietnam vets like to call "the shit" - or what's known to Bostonians as Downtown Crossing - has made me quite the people-hater. Sometimes I feel like everyone is just trying to annoy the crap out of me. Today I'll run through through all the kinds of people I encounter on a daily basis that drive me insane.
1. Bluetooth Headset Guy
You seriously can't take that shit off to have a romantic dinner with your wife?
Oh, I'm sorry for bumping into you, Self-Important Bluetooth Headset Guy. See, while you were standing on the Green Line, doing nothing at all, you were obviously waiting for some call that will be so urgent and important that you won't have 15 seconds to answer the call on your phone, or just put your headset on your head. No, no, you are SOOOOO busy waterskiing and rope climbing and holding an umbrella that you cannot actually hold your phone and have to wear your fucking headset everywhere you go. And I've NEVER actually seen someone who's wearing a headset ever get a call. These douchebags just want you to know that because they wear a little piece of plastic over their ear that blinks, they are wayyyyy more in demand than you'll ever be. The only satisfaction I get is that everyone who actually conducts a phone call on a headset in public looks like a total nutjob who is talking to themselves.
2. Incredibly, Ridiculously Loud Mexican Music Lady
I WISH it were Sugar Ray. And that's giving Sugar Ray a lot of credit.
This bitch lost her hearing in 1995, which is the only explanation for why she plays her incredibly obnoxious music so loudly that people 20 feet away can hear it. And, without fail, the music itself is stuff that no one in their right mind would ever listen to. It always sounds like a mariachi band that's been put on an Autotune. Why can't these people blast the Rolling Stones? Or Elton? If they're going to make everyone else in a half-mile radius listen to their iPod they should be forced to play something that most people actually like.
3. The Tourist
I don't even care about your contribution to our economy.
I'm sure you all knew this was coming. But tourists drive me up a wall. Is it so hard, Mr. and Mrs. Southern-Drawl-and-Walmart-Denim-Shorts, to not ride the subway at rush hour when you have no idea where you're going? Is it so impossible for you to not stand in front of the door with your thirty-five stupid children when people have trains to catch? I don't fucking understand why these people cannot fathom that while they are meandering around a city that doubles in population every weekday, people have things to do.
4. Foghorn Nose-Blower Dude
The leader of the free world blows his nose quietly, why can't you?
I have no idea how these guys make blowing their nose into the world's biggest racket, but they do it. They must have this weird arm arc that allows them to blow and apply pressure at just the right point so that while they shoot snot out of their schnozes, they simultaneously delight us with a blowhorn worthy of a college basketball game. COME ON.
5. IPhone Cultists
Sprint 4life.
I read something in Elle the other day that said iPhone users judge other people based on their gadgets. Well, I judge you based on your iPhone. I know my friends have them and they may be offended, but God, everytime someone gets one of these things, it's like they don't even bother to have human interaction anymore. They spend all their money on stupid applications that distort pictures of themselves and calculate how much they should put down for a tip on their overpriced brunch at The Beehive. Every iPhone user does nothing but look at their iPhone and think about how many times they want to blow Steve Jobs for creating such a beautiful masterpiece of technology. They will no doubt ensure eventual complete isolation in any and all social situations, since no one wants to hang out with someone who can't even bother to put their stupid phone down to engage in a conversation. But hey, what do they care? Now they don't even have to pretend to actually care about your life - they can just periodically maintain the friendship via Facebook!
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