I slept with a hipster once. second worst lay of my life.

It was a very, very low point in my life. I was trying really hard to be part of that lifestyle.

Yes, I say "try" because that's all you can do. Nobody just "is" a hipster, they actually have to try to do it. They have to spend hours scouring Etsy for appropriately large non-prescription glasses, because it's totally cool to wear things you don't need. They starve themselves so they can squeeze their asses into American Apparel jeans and they save pennies so they can buy Parliaments. I know. I was a coke-addled poseur at one time, too.

I know it's hard to believe that someone who owns more than one item of clothing with tulle would identify with those people, but I wanted to. I always felt like my stupid black-streaked hair and multitude of studded belts and math rock playlists would bring me closer to that ultimate idea of cool, but it failed. It failed so hard that I became a yuppie with an anchor tattoo (so sue me).

Lately I've come to revile all the shit that screams "I have nothing better to do than drink PBR and waste my parents' money," and I was reminded of this the last time I looked at the Urban Outfitters website. I used to shop there, but now, I can't understand why people drop legitimate money on this crap.

You know what's the greatest thing about these? They're EIGHTY-EIGHT DOLLARS. If only I had remembered to save the leggings I got from my Walgreen's halloween costume three years ago.

By "I fought the law," I mean that I had to go to traffic court once, and my dad told them what a good kid I was so they continued my case without a finding for a year. (This really did happen to me. What can I say, it's easier to make fun of kids who think they're cool when you know for sure that you're not).

 I wish someone told me 15 years ago that my bedspread, my mom's jeans and the sewing skills of a fourth grader would be all I'd need to have a totally rad outfit in 2010.

I'll never understand why hipster companies are so intent on only selling their clothes to ridiculously skinny people. Fat money is good money too! Personally, I know about two women who have boobs that could actually be small enough to fit into one of these things. And they're both incredibly thin. And I hate them for it, but most of all I hate myself for hating them for it, and I hate reconciling my feminist views with my body issues, and I hate having to apologize for feeling that way. Anyway, fuck you and your stupid bralette.

 One of the words I hate more than anything is "flouncy." Flouncy implies that something is both decorative and cheerful, concepts which make me want to stab a piece of glass in my eye. Accordingly, I find these flouncy shorts extremely offensive. Not to mention ugly.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. Pick a shoe style, and stay there.

 This is marketed as a jacket. On what planet is this a jacket? In what universe?

Come. On.
What. The fuck. Is this.