And it's all the fault of a phallus.
Yesterday, I was on Gchat, minding my own goddamn business, when I get a message from someone with the screenname 'andrewsparkes84'. I ask, "Who is this?" - seeing as I, honestly, have no clue who this guy is - and this oh-so-polite gentleman replies, "I was about to ask the same thing. Hold on - let me check if I have your email saved in my phone." A mere moment later, there's an email in my inbox from said Andrew Sparkes. He says, "I think I accidentally sent a blank email to your inbox." I opened the email to delete it, and, whaddya know, it has a picture embedded. A picture of this douchebag's cock.
So some guy I've never met in my life spends his spare time sending messages to me, trying to trick me into looking at his penis. Naturally, I blocked the guy. But not before reaching my breaking point.
I've had about a fucking enough of unsolicited dicks in my life.
It all started when I was around 14. That summer, I hung out with a big group of people, including a guy who I kind of liked, but only because he was kind of slick and I was a glutton for attention. We used to make out in my friend's driveway. I was just having fun. He was just biding his time until he could bare his dick to me, unprompted.
After he grew bored of sticking his tongue in my mouth, he decided to pull me into a closet one evening and whip it out. I - with my knowledge of penises confined to that of my 8th grade boyfriend - wasn't digging the scene. I refused to touch it and ran out of the closet. So he decided to tell the whole school that my vagina smelled like tuna. Because I wouldn't touch his stupid baby dick.
Oh, but you'll say, that was once, when you were a teenager! Things must be different now.
Several years ago, I ended up going to court because a 40 year-old man followed me in the lobby of my office building and proceeded to masturbate in front of me, while backing me into a corner and trying to get my phone number. Oh, and not only me - FOUR other women that same day. When it happened, I felt incredibly violated and scared. I got back to my desk and cried for 20 minutes. My only thought was that it wasn't fucking fair. It got even less fair when the piece of shit decided to act as his own attorney during the trial and cross-examined me while attempting to demonstrate to the jury that he was 'spitting game' at me and that I was attracted to him.
He had a 30-page rap sheet and was convicted on one count of lewd & lascivious behavior, and then sent to maximum security prison for three years. He will be released in July and immediately deported back to Haiti, which I happen to be thrilled about. The whole experience was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life.
So I'm break it down. Here are some facts, for those of you with external genitalia. Take heed.
1. Nobody cares about your dick. Other than you, of course. And maybe whoever you marry. Unless you're in porn.
2. Dicks are not attractive. Really. They're not. They're only hot in context - i.e., who they're attached to. Seeing a picture of just a penis is like looking at one of those close-ups when you can't tell if it's a knee or an asscheek - perplexing initially due to the potentially taboo nature of the subject matter, but ultimately, completely unstimulating. Do you think sending someone a picture of your dick is going to make them come running (or come at all)? Get a grip.
3. Thrusting your dick upon strangers doesn't make you a man. I don't care if it's on the internet, or on the subway, or on your phone. It makes you a stupid asshole.
4. If you can't keep it in your pants, I won't let you retain any dignity. And you can fucking forget about respect. If any of you plan on continuing with your bullshit dick-sharing parade, I will have no problem making a huge scene, laughing at the size of your penis, and kicking you in it.
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