how do you not know he's gay?!?!?

I am the queen of speculation. I spend vast amounts of spare time speculating about people and their deepest fears/desires/secrets. It's an amusing way to pass the time - I particularly enjoy speculating about people speculating about me. Coupled with this brilliant imagination of mine is an almost dead-accurate gaydar. I believe I hold this gift because gay men flock to me - I am, simply, a gay man in a woman's body - and because of my judge-reduce-reject philosophy on strangers. Yes, I judge you, I reduce you to the most base elements of your personality, and then, I reject you. Unless I happen to end up liking you, but that's pretty rare.

So anyway, it always falls upon me to wonder - how do some people not know someone is gay?

I will admit - even with my acute homoception, I slipped. A kid who worked at my office was peculiar for numerous reasons, but something about him really bugged me and I couldn't put my finger on it. He had really unfashionable glasses and talked endless about the stock market, so why would I question his sexuality? It didn't dawn on me until I saw him strutting down Summer Street, lanky stubbled gay-babe in tow. HOW DID I NOT KNOW? The signs were right in front of me. He often spoke about visiting a male friend from college down in St. Louis. He was completely disinterested in breasts. He stole an expensive bottle of scotch from his father to give to one of our strapping young lads at the company. I was so foolish.

Regardless, it blows my mind that most of America is unable to detect the gay. Let's dissect the obliviousness, shall we?

Okay, let's start with the obvious. Ricky Martin.

I would make some sort of gay-Livin' La Vida Loca pun, but it's been done to death.

Girl shaves her face with a Schick Intuition. COME ON. Next.


Clay Aiken

He's wearing a thumb ring, for Christ's sake.

Now, I don't watch American Idol. But in my opinion, any guy who wants to go on national television and sing "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tail is gay as the day is schlong. NEXT.


Sir Elton

Anyone who likes zany glasses is gay. I happen to be the authority on this.

Do you remember when Elton John married a woman? He wore a white tailcoat and a purple bow tie. I'll let you visualize that one.


Liberace

Americans are so fucking stupid.



Hot Mormon dudes

I'll listen to your missionary LDS crap for some PIV.

When you are this attractive, why would you 1). remain a virgin until marriage, and 2). get married so, so young? Dude could lay any chick he wants, ever. But no, he's looking for a beard! How convenient is it to choose from a bevy of beautiful, pristine Mormon madonnas who just want to find "the one" and pop out some well-adjusted, shiny, attractive children? Then you'll maintain a sense of filial piety, have a trophy on your arm, AND you can pretend you're doing a guy during the mandated missionary lights-off sex.

Boy band members

There are more of them. Believe me. I'm sure of it.