oh my god, nobody cares.

 

I know I am a mutant. I know I am the only woman on the face of the earth who can't stand babies. I am aware of this already. No one needs to lambast me for it. 

So this should come as no surprise to any of you that I am tired of hearing about them. I want to preface this by saying that I am not tired of hearing about children and the weird/funny things they do. I am not against children. As soon as they can emote and pick up shit on their own, I'm all about it. 

But there is a proliferation of baby-TMI going on, particularly on social networking sites, and I'm really over it.

I am really tired of hearing about how people's newborns shit all over themselves, or how they didn't sleep through the night, or how they cried when their foreskin was cut. 

And what is with the pictures of new born babies and their shriveled, rotting, black umbilical cords? It looks like they have leeches crawling out of their stomachs. Attractive.

You are not special for having a kid.

I am completely irritated by the maternal smugness that fills the air every time a child slides out of a vagina. Some women seem to think that giving birth is the greatest accomplishment of their lives. I hate to break it to you, but women have only been doing it since... oh, I dunno, the beginning of the species. You don't deserve a fucking trophy for being rawdogged. I've realized that two consequences of unprotected sex, STDs and children, have a lot in common, actually... they're lasting reminders of bad decisions that both irritate and destroy any opportunity for future intercourse.

On another note,  I don't give a shit what Louis C.K. says, all babies look the same.

I hate to be a total bitch to the most innocent of human creatures (okay, actually I don't really care), but I don't understand why people will take 65390173190 pictures of their newborns. Pretty much all babies look the same to me until they're at least 6 months old. Not to mention the fact that newborn babies have absolutely no personality. Nobody is as boring of a photo subject as a baby who can't even lift its own head. You might as well take pictures of your cat's asshole or a turd in the toilet - at least these things respond to stimuli.

And yes, if I ever give birth, it will be to a giant cigarette. Or an Absolut bottle. At least these will actually serve a function for me. And neither of them shit themselves.